October 20 2025. What in the fuck

My mom called me telling me that my ferret died. She died in agony, in pain and she stood by her side for the whole night until her last breath. I was away, doing a school trip in Brussels, Belgium. There was nothing I could do to help her.

What is funny is that both of my ferrets passed away in October, a year apart.

I could not do a single thing to help her, nor I could cry during the school trip. My friends noticed that I was completely zoned out during the trip and they kept asking me what is wrong?

Do you want to know what is wrong, my fucking pet just died and I am here selfishly looking at astonishing buildings, that were made by God knows who and I am expected to be astonished. I am supposed to look happy right now but I am not.

I thank my friends for checking on me though.

My ferrets were part of my life since 2019.

I had an obsession with ferrets because of a dancer from my old dance school back in Mexico. She was a contemporary dancer, she had black hair, she was beautiful, she was gothic and she had two ferrets. Her presence resonated with me since I was little, I wanted to be just like her.

When I turned 18 my mom surprised me with Artemis and Luna.

Artemis was an albino ferret, extremely social and the sweetest pet I have ever owned. She was such a baby princess and she loved cuddling and making new friends with literally anyone. Then there was Luna, she was a year younger than Artemis and Luna was more of a reserved, hyper independent, not-so-social ferret. She enjoyed eating and biting peopl.

At some point I knew that Luna was going to last longer than Artemis. I am not quite sure why but I just knew and I guess I wasn't wrong after all.

Artemis was too sweet for this world, delicate, fragile, too good to be true. Luna was the bitter widow that not even poison kills her. Luna was a bad bitch, she did not care who or what got on her way, she will bite the shit out of a cat or dog or anything that got on her way.

The reason why I am sharing about these two animals is because I learned the basics of the basics of motherhood. I knew that from day one I was responsible of these two until they died and honestly I think one day I would be a great mother.

A few things I realized having them two:

We are selfish beings. There were so many times where I would think, man fuck them kids, having to go home to your children can feel like a burden.

Parents do have a favorite. You gravitate with one more than the other. It's not that you like one less or more. But we are wired in duality, of course we gravitate towards one child more than the other.

When something is not fully for me I sense a barrier between me and the other person, and since a I am a cat person, I always felt a barrier with my ferrets but I loved them regardless.

I had them from 2019 to 2024-25, for about 6 years?

When they died I felt like it was my fault. Like I did something wrong? Maybe I didn't take care of them properly but there was nothing I could do to help them escape death. I just had to accept that they were dying in my hands.

These two were part of my life for 6 years. I fed them everyday, played with them, slept with them, shared a life with them and now Luna and Artemis are forever gone.

It makes me truly sad to think that they are gone, but being overseas makes it harder to cry.

The death of my ferrets made me realize that 6 years of my life is nothing.

During those six years, I moved to different states, countries, even continents. I changed my hair, dyed it, bleached it, shaved it, trimmed it.

I have had different friends, I have been heartbroken, healed, loved, betrayed, I have been alone and loved again.

But there is nothing that changed at the same time. I am still Ambar, Amber, Umbar, I still miss my ex boyfriends sometimes, I still like the color lavender, I am still an artist, and I still experience with uncertainty.

I am also single

My instagram is a-m-b-a-r-s-s-p-a