The so-called "Leap of faith"

Recently, it's been stressful. Dancing doesn't take things off my mind anymore.

About a month ago, well, two months ago, I was financially stable with three jobs: one as a dance instructor on the weekends, and the other two as an esthetician during the day and night, one at my shop that I have had for 4 years and the other one at a wellness center.

I was able to support myself, and I could travel with my friends if I wanted to.

During this period of financial stability, I felt extremely sad. I was aware of why I felt this way. I did all I could to stay productive: eating healthily, exercising regularly, spending time with my friends, traveling, and performing, and I still felt unsatisfied. It's almost like you gain everything you needed—money, a place, food in the fridge, a social life—but the aftertaste is bland. I know this sounds like the issue here was ungratefulness, but before we jump to conclusions, let me share some of my past experiences since I quit all my jobs and decided to move on to the next chapter of my life: the so-called "Leap of Faith".

This year, I had the chance to relocate to a new city. I was reluctant because it felt like starting over from scratch, and I wasn't particularly interested in moving either. However, I realized I couldn't continue bearing this burden of oppression. I reached a point where I felt I had nothing to lose, as I was gradually losing my sense of self.

I looked into dance opportunities and studios I could join. Several opportunities came up, so I began to apply to internships and research dance studios.

When the move-in day arrived, I realized that I was not going to have a source of income for the next three weeks. Moving requires a lot, I mean a lot of money, the security deposit, the moving, the U-Haul, the insurance for this and that, etc.

Week after week, my savings started to gradually decrease. Upon relocating, I promised myself that I was going to immerse myself in the dance community, leaving behind Esthetics and other side careers. Ambar is committed to dancing, and that remains the main focus. Fortunately, I was accepted into a summer dance internship, where I met incredible dancers and built the confidence to chase my passion. However, I still hadn't found a job.

The dance internship lasted three weeks, and let me tell you, it was intense. I would wake up at 5:30 am, commute for about an hour and a half, and be at the studio by 8 am. Since I was an intern, I would make sure to set up the studio in the mornings, make sure all students signed in, and help the dance instructor if they needed assistance. Dance continuously until lunchtime at noon, return by 12:30 pm, and wrap up by 4:30 pm, sometimes 5-5:30 pm. Commute back home and arrive by 7:30 pm. Repeat Monday through Friday.

I believe this has been the most intense rehearsal period I've ever experienced, but it taught me two important lessons: first, the significance of being skilled in various dance styles, and second, the necessity of knowing your area of expertise if you aspire to become a professional dancer.

During this internship, I discovered what I wanted to pursue as a dancer, and it was ballet. Ballet is like this massive orgasm that does not compare to any other dance I have done before. I have wondered what it is about it because not every dancer likes ballet, but to me, I felt like the discipline always sucked me back into ballet training. I have tried other styles of dance; I even represented my university as a jazz dancer, but ballet... oh baby. Even my peers would always tell me that they could tell I liked the discipline.

Going back to being broke. During these intense three weeks, I applied to jobs, and I would start working after the internship was over, since I would end up exhausted every day and once it was over, I had no savings, no employer had reached back, I had no studio to continue training, the stress skyrocketed and my sense of urgency was aching through my spine.

Since I knew I was pursuing my dreams, I had a sense of faith that everything was going to be okay, and a sense of loyalty to my dreams. I had to keep my optimism up by being fully committed to my dreams and stop living in fear. Going back to esthetics felt like a form of betrayal, being partially committed to my passion in dance, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't go back to a stable, unsatisfying life. I was young enough to start over and reframe my lifestyle because don't we all have the free will to make changes in our lives at any age? I needed to experience dropping everything in the past since I wasn't living the life I had pictured myself in.

As my cortisol levels rose, my faith and patience also went up. You know how superheroes have their ultimate move in video games. Well, once I was committed to the dance industry, my superpowers were faith, patience, and confidence.

I began to practice acts of gratitude and being thankful for the things I had and the great things that were yet to come. Another superpower was confidence. Knowing that I was on the right path, and even though things looked rough, there was going to be a way out. Lastly, patience. Sitting with your thoughts can often feel unbearable, particularly if you're accustomed to always being busy. It's important to reframe your mindset to accept that taking days slowly is okay. Recognize that leisure offers a chance to enjoy your time, so make the most of it.

After completing the internship, I had a week to rest before starting two other paid internships that also included free ballet training.

After my internship concluded, I applied to nearly every job I encountered. Although it might seem contradictory to do this during my week of rest, I realized the bills still needed to be paid. You might ask why I didn't use my skills as an esthetician if the work is temporary. The truth is, I was exhausted from Esthetics. Selfishly, I'd prefer to take any random job I find online to cover my expenses rather than return to a profession I now see as a betrayal of my dreams. I have no desire to break this negative association. I needed to maintain the illusion of progressing, not regressing. I wanted to live a different lifestyle, change my identity, and detach from my past.

Perhaps it's about being delusional; writing this makes me see that I was living in a state of delusion because I could afford to, until I no longer could. That's when I began applying for any job I could find. It's unfortunate, but this is the reality, folks.

I find it amusing.