top of page
Search

How study abroad changed my life

I’m sure you know the thrill of studying abroad, experiencing a new country, a new culture, and a different lifestyle. It's an opportunity many American students have, and it shouldn't be overlooked.


College became dull for me. It might sound negative, but I was always searching for that ultimate feeling, that aha moment of belonging, yet I never found it. Like a spoiled child with everything, still feeling unsatisfied. I felt out of place and disconnected from my school. I attended a university in a small town with significant racial division and few Architecture students.

To counter this dissociation, I wanted to become a true foreigner, not just someone trying to fit into a group they didn’t belong to. When I explored study abroad programs, I imagined myself in Europe, Japan, or on a Polynesian island. I needed an escape.


It took an entire year—not just three months, two weeks, or a day—to study abroad because I had to go through several steps to become a citizen and get my passport... yes, a whole year.

I disliked being the person always saying they would do something, but for a year, I was hyping myself up, telling peers and family I would study abroad, yet they saw me on campus the semester I said I’d be away. Silly Ambar. Anyway, I persisted and waited for my passport. I was so eager to apply that I would apply without a passport just to feel the excitement, but they would withdraw me. It was a temporary thrill. Once my passport arrived, the first thing I did was apply for the next semester's study abroad.


While modeling for a college magazine, I discussed studying abroad with one of the directors, who told me how fun it is and that a semester isn't enough; Do at least two, she said. I initially considered a program lasting three weeks at most, but her advice led me to sign up for the entire year.


Speaking of changing my mind, I stopped taking design classes due to burnout, which left me feeling abandoned and excluded. During college, I became robotic, taking class after class for financial aid, finishing my degree without self-awareness; I was on autopilot. My last breakup crashed my landing, and by summer 2024, I was deeply depressed and isolated. That’s when I realized I needed a break. Not just because I was sad over a boy (partly, I have feelings you know), but because I recognized I’d been on autopilot, carrying the burden of finishing a degree I was unsure of, and now that I was nearly done, the diploma wasn’t even exciting; deep down, I felt disappointed.


An old friend once told me that even on her period, she validates her feelings because they are still her feelings, and dismissing them as irrelevant due to her period is a form of self-sabotage ----This changed my perspective. Negative emotions: anger, sadness, and frustration aren't necessarily bad. Emotions are neutral, allowing us to feel, but it’s up to us how we react. Actions, though, lead to consequences. Who's going to tell me I'm crazy when my decisions and feelings are my own?


Ambar being unsatisfied with her degree is her opinion, and I often forget I have the right to make changes if something isn’t for me, but making changes was the hardest part.


Embracing my sadness and dissatisfaction, validating my intuition, realizing how sidetracked I was, and how much of a people pleaser I’d become without realizing it.


Once I stepped back, I was no longer part of my graduating class. It stung, not going to lie, because I realized how much I relied on finishing the degree with the same people, but now it was just me and my reflection.

Then the questioning began, "Ambar, why aren't you in design?", "When are you graduating?" All that questioning made me question myself even more, and eventually, I learned to give short, brief answers without matching the anxious energy those questions brought. I built strength.


Now, the study abroad application was tedious and stressful. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep, worrying about my visa being declined, lost in the mail, or arriving late. So many thoughts every day, I had to learn to observe them without engaging, embrace my confidence, and tell myself everything would be okay.


Then, great things began to happen. I was accepted into the program for the whole year, assigned a dorm, and applied to a French dance company nearby, and I was accepted. Being accepted into the dance company opened many doors. It made me realize I had the talent to take the next step forward and that there was potential in me because, apparently, these strangers from France who run a dance company said so.


It all comes with risk, but there’s something beautiful that no one can take away when you believe in yourself.


Two months before moving to France, I faced financial hardship. It could have been worse, but it was bad.

I couldn’t have my furniture at my parents’ or have my mom cover my bills while I was away.

I had to start getting rid of everything I owned in America to be abroad because I knew I couldn’t afford for instance, my car, while I was away.

So I had to sell everything (not everything sold).


Being attached to things can feel embarrassing.

Since I had no money, not even for the plane ticket, I figured I had to sell my car. I wanted to keep the option open not to return to America, but I realized I ran from the fear of coming back with no car, no furniture, nothing under my name, because I was so hyped and anxious about being away that I impulsively got rid of everything.

Thinking this out loud makes me reconsider; maybe I am being impulsive. But what am I supposed to do when there are infinite possibilities... You work with what you have.


I don’t want to live in America, but I also don’t want to start from zero. I will be in Mexico after I come back, just for a while. That's it.


Experiencing detachment initially feels like I am choosing to go through temporary trauma to open more doors to the unknown. Not everyone is willing to take that risk, trust me.


I’m at the first stage of feeling the trauma, the pain, the discomfort, the withdrawal. But I believe in myself.


 
 
 

Recent Posts

See All
Chantilly cake bitter taste

My physics professor once said to have the variables in our favor. That's about all I recall from my AP physics class. Actually, I think...

 
 
 
The so-called "Leap of faith"

Recently, it's been stressful. Dancing doesn't take things off my mind anymore. About a month ago, well, two months ago, I was...

 
 
 
Welcome!

If it weren't for boredom, I would have never done this. Funny how boredom works, at least for me, my brain runs and runs until it gets...

 
 
 

Comentarios


bottom of page